Bob's Demented Alsatian
Part one
Bob had a demented Alsatian called Edgar (Actually, 'called' isn't really quite
the right word. 'Crawled' would be closer.) Bob would come home and find Edgar
doing all sorts of strange things.
For instance, Edgar had a very thick, scruffy ruff of tan-coloured fur around
his neck. This made him believe that he'd invented electricity, and he wanted
to sue Benjamin Franklin. When Bob wouldn't get him a lawyer or take him to the
patents office, he'd blink, really loudly, till the neighbours complained, and
at one stage the police came around and said "You've got to stop your dog
blinking like that, or Asian people will start moving in, and property prices
will go down."
"See what you've done?", Bob asked, after they'd left.
"No", said Edgar. His eyes had been shut when he stopped blinking.
Edgar heard that Alsatians were also called GSD's, and he wanted to know what
GSD stood for. "German Shepherd Dogs", Bob said. "And put down that eclair."
"I thought it might have been 'Goat-Squashing Dogs' ", Edgar said, putting down
the eclair. "Because I do a lot of that."
"Does he?", Bob wondered. It turned out he didn't.
Bob knew that he should get Edgar out of the house more often, but it was
problematic. Edgar would believe they were being followed by the Israeli Prime
Minister and members of his cabinet. Actually they were, but Bob didn't know
that.
Edgar had a game he liked to play. Bob would have to get down on the living
room floor, and pretend that Edgar's paws were four seperate countries,
involved in an armed conflict. Edgar would tangle himself into awkard postures,
to represent the exchange of hostilities. Sometimes he'd fall over. It was a
bit like a game of Twister. Eventually the local school found out about this,
and, deeming it educational, sent children round to watch. When they arrived,
Edgar would sit by the living room window, and stare at Venus. This became an
obsession,and Bob would come home from work and find Edgar staring at the
floorboards. "It won't be above the horizon till morning, you know", he said,
to no avail.
Edgar's tail bears mentioning. It was a splendid, bushy tail; tan underneath
and black on the top, and Edgar was capable of moving it about in a very
expressive way. Unfortunately he was also capable of using it to spell indecent
words using sign language. He used to do this when deaf people were in the
house. One of Bob's deaf friends was madly signing at him one day. "Slow
down!", he suggested. His friend grabbed a pad, and scribbled "Your dog just
told me to get fucked!" Bob screwed up the paper. "You're as mad as he is", he
muttered.
Tim Gadd: 10/99
