It has come to my notice that certain parties who shall remain nameless unless they force my hand in this matter, have spread damaging rumours about me. I was appalled to find that these blatant lies have been propagated for such a length of time, so extensively, and under so many pseudonyms and temporary names that the following list is almost certainly incomplete. Nevertheless I intend to publicly lay to rest at least those untruths which have so far been brought to my attention. I hereby refute the following lies.
I was raised by photographers. I built a mud-brick helicopter. My thyroid is female. I have a fetish for anything telescopic. I threw gravel at Petula Clark. I was admitted to hospital after ingesting a stoat. I talk at length about grime. I have a 16 mm print of the Lassie film shot on Venus. I invented a sport called 'apple herding'. I obstructed the Suez Canal for a week in 1967. I can scorch Chippendale furniture by looking at it. I offended the Ghost of Rimsky Korsakov. I built, or commissioned, the giant statue of an idiot which they found in Tonga. I confuse radios with dogs. I sucked marmalade off the Chinese embassy in Singapore. I emerged from a glacier in Greenland after some 40,000 years. I stick to walls. I descended to a depth of 32,000 feet looking for my glasses. My puddings are inclined to be more than 50% tin. I spent the better part of my late 20's smudging things. I created the catapult furnace. I was observed mating with a Bedouin. I insert molybdenum strips in my shirt sleeves. I have a bottle of Pope's drool. I am sometimes vaporous. I badgered my doctor into writing me a prescription for Bobby Goldsboro, or a generic equivalent. I capsized in Boston harbour. I am famous on the sub-continent as a mud-wrestler. I illegally amputated several limbs in Helsinki. I have a Labrador Improver. I was nettled by someone else's conscience. I wake up more frequently than I go to sleep. I carefully weigh any sandwich. I am the author of 'To the detriment of Harmonics'. I am responsible for the condition of Venice. I was completely symmetrical in a former lifetime. I watch 'The Flying Nun' frame by frame. I am the only passenger ever to wear a chastity belt on The Concorde.
There are doubtless many more. For now I simply urge you to view any further claims about me, my activities, or my giant mechanical dik-dik, with a sceptical eye.
Tim Gadd March 20th, 2001
