Firstly, I should apologise for claiming in a previous article that General Tito was a stoat. In fact, as far as I know, he still is one.
Also, I claimed that the tallest structure in the world is The Empire Stoat Building, but that it is buried in some remote part of Wyoming, with only the top 10 centimeters above ground. Several people have written to me asking why anyone would bury the tallest building in the world so only the top 10 centimeters were above ground. Well in fact, it originally had the top three feet protruding above ground, but people were running into it with their cars, and an old lady tripped over it and sued the county, and they hired Mark Spitz, who is now very obese, to jump up and down on it until it sank to a safe height.
Mark Spitz is also a stoat. He has won more gold medals for swimming than any other stoat in Olympic history * Most people didn't notice this because it was the 70's.
In Denmark stoat cheese is a staple food. Stoats don't naturally express cheese though, and the only way they can get the cheese out of them is to throw them against the wall. In most countries this would be considered cruel, but Danish people don't like stoats very much, so no-one cares. In fact, there is some thought that the whole cheese thing might just be an excuse to throw stoats against walls. If you're interested in more facts about Denmark, you could always read the entry about Denmark in my travel guides. There are a few other European countries there. If your country isn't there yet, it's probably just because I haven't gotten around to it, though it might be because it's one of the countries my doctor advised me not to write about.
Most Stoats are invisible. If people could actually see all the invisible stoats, they would be so alarmed at the number of stoats everywhere that there would probably be nationwide hysteria on a scale not seen since 'The War of the Worlds', or since Fleetwood Mac announced they were getting a new bass player.
There is an Eskimo word which is pronounced 'stoat', but no-one knows what it means, though it's probably something vulgar, as there are very few eskimo words that aren't at least a bit disgusting (for instance they have 78 verbs that all mean 'to sodomise a Minke whale.')
'The Cisco Kid' was originally about stoats, but they changed it when they realised what a stupid idea it was.
You can marry stoats in Arkansas, but you can't get a divorce.
Ebay are going to make stoat auctions illegal. This is because Danish people keep buying them to throw against the wall.
The biggest stoat ever weighed was 540 feet long and weighed 73,500 tons. It had room on it for up to 120 helicopters and fighter planes, had a crew of over 2,000, and saw action during the second Gulf War. There have been some who think it may actually have been an aircraft carrier, and that the Guiness Book of Records people weren't very thorough in checking out the claim, which was sent in by Omar Shariff when he was going through a bad patch and made quite a few claims which have subsequently turned out to be false (such as that he was the first man on venus, and that he was playing the Tropic of Capricorn in a new movie by David Lynch.)
There is a kennel in Arizona which claims to sell stoat-wolf hybrids. They don't look very much like wolves though, and they're probably just ordinary stoats, because the same place claims to have wolf-chair hybrids, and they look suspiciously like ordinary chairs.
Stoats can live for up to three months on fingernail clippings, but they will probably be very sick, and quite irritable.
According to one medieval Italian versionof the Bible, the three wise men who attended the birth of Christ were riding stoats, and the star which guided them looked 'a bit like a stoat', and there is reference to the baby Jesus being 'slender' and 'long-bodied' and eating insects and mice. This version of the Bible has been denounced by most sensible people in the Church, since it also claims that Christ was crucified next to a sewing machine and a ride-on lawnmower, and that afterwards the Devil tempted him with an onion and pastrami sandwich. It also has a bit in it where Paul rides around in a go-kart.
* I think
Tim Gadd, 3/2001
